


A Look Within

by DoctorLia



Category: Timeless (TV 2016)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mentions of Flynn's family, Mentions of the team - Freeform, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 16:20:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20294410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorLia/pseuds/DoctorLia
Summary: Garcia takes a moment to self reflect about somethings.





	A Look Within

I think about the empty cavern in my chest where my heart use to beat. A heart that belonged to my wife. To my daughter. It stopped beating the night they died. With my heart gone the only thing left was my soul. A soul that I no longer recognized because my monstrous deeds have blackened it. I am no longer the man that Lorena and Iris knew.

  
No…that man is dead. And a monster has taken his place. A monster that only knows pain and loss. Anger and regret. A scared creature that has lashed out at everyone and has destroyed things in its path of vengeance. A twisted, loveless _thing_ that wears my skink like a tailor made suit. There’s no chance this monster will ever return it.

  
I can’t remember what it’s like to feel happy. Sorrow has taken root so deep in my chest that it’s almost a relief when I feel it bang against my no longer beating heart. I choke on the despair that has taken shelter in my lungs like a thick cloud of smoke. My hands that use to hold beautiful things are now coated in the blood of my enemies. My laugh lines mock me now that I have a permanent frown etched onto my face. My eyes no longer shine a vibrant color…no they have darkened to a lifeless color. Everyday a new scar appears and the monster grins with pride at the damage it has done.

  
This monster wants to consume and destroy everything it touches. Nothing I do can resurrect the man that was killed that night. Nothing can tame this beast inside of me. Well…that’s not entirely true. It can be controlled. Just not by me. No, this creature only listens to Lucy.

  
Lucy with her beautiful smile and bright soul. The complete opposite of me. She may have been tainted by the life we lead, but she is no less…good. She is the type of person my monster would devour without a second thought, but yet… It doesn’t. It yields and listens. To everything Lucy has to say. Everything she commands.

  
It no longer wants to run into a gun fight because there will be blood and glory awaiting it. It thinks about the safest rout possible. For Lucy. Only for Lucy… Being near her calms the beast, almost turning it domestic. But with just a look or a nod she can unleash hell upon her enemies. She knows that doesn’t she? That the monster inhabiting this heartless man will do anything…_anything_… she command? Is she aware that the creature curls around her light to bask in the warmth that it radiates? Does she?

  
She must. She gives me her journal, after all. Gave it to me right as the monster was spreading like a virus through my veins. She spun me a tale of a hero who’s story had only just begun, then she laid a kiss upon my cheek. A claim, I realize now. A claim to the beast within. A beast that hadn’t fully matured until her soft lips left my rough cheek. It recognized it’s master.

  
Maybe one day she will recognize it too. And maybe she will be able to see all the breaks and tears of my battered soul and release me from this prison that I seem to be trapped in. But she has imprinted on what remains of my heart and the beast won’t let that go so easily. It has to protect Lucy. It will be her champion when she needs it. When she commands it. When she pulls on the strings that bind it to her.

  
I am in love with her, I think. It’s a different kind of love then what I felt for Lorena. Similar but different. Similar because the love I feel for her is romantic, but different because there is a blood thirsty creature just below the surface of my skin that wants her as well. I can’t give her everything, but I can give her what is left of my humanity. The parts of me that the creature hasn’t tarnished. It isn’t much, but it’s all I have to offer.

  
When Lucy is around the quiet growls that I hear turns into a low purr. The dark thoughts of _‘Who would miss me if I was to end it all right now?’_ Are pushed to the corner of my mind for more positive ones like _‘I have to live for Lucy. To see make sure she survives this.’_ My insomnia that is caused by the restless monster goes away when we watch her sleep in my bed and I nap on the chair. The itch to murder Wyatt in his sleep is tampered down by the fact that _Lucy wouldn’t like that_ and we settle for a quick punch or a well timed disrespectful slap to the face. My biting comments shift to sassy remarks when Rufus is around because _Lucy would like me to get along with him_. The urge to let the monster out whenever we land in a new time is dismissed because I have to stay close to Lucy and keep her safe. When Lucy is around I feel more human.

  
Every now and then I feel a jolt in my chest whenever she brushes past me or whenever she smiles. It’s quick, like an electric shock but when she is around I think maybe, just maybe, my heart will beat again…

**Author's Note:**

> I have had a very rough week as some of you might know and I wrote this as a way to try and deal with eveything. I hope you all enjoyed it because it genuinely made me feel better when writing it. Much love <3


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